MORE Over-The-Top Things Your Patients Have Said

We all know that patients can say some pretty over-the-top things. No doubt you have probably heard your own great lines. And boy, our readers don't disappoint! Check out a few of our favorite funny patient comments below and don't forget to add your own to the list!


"I do case management for Seniors in my County. Some of the funniest I’ve heard include: “I get monogram headaches!”



“I use that nighttime machine for my sleep acne.” “I’ve got very coarse veins” “I’m up a lot at night to use the bathroom, so I guess I should get my prostitute checked.” And my favorite: “My back always feels better after I take one of those oxycondoms!” --Barb



"I had a man that told me he took Viagra for his flat tire while in ICU. I was shocked." --Kathy



"My patient asked me for pain medication. “Don’t give me Dilaudid pills, I’m allergic. Give me Dilaudid IV, I’m not allergic to this….Seriously!?" -- Mayra



"I take peanut-butter-balls for my skeizures (read: I take phenobarbital for my seizures)."--Bryan



"A patient came in and said she had a "leaf in her Virginia.” She did!!! She had used a potato as a pessary." --Beth



"Entering the room as Wound consultant to assess and plan for wound care, the patient waves me away and says, “The plants need water. They’re over there." --Irene



"A very pleasant elderly female patient once said to me: "I like you. My son is gay too.” I’m a male nurse, but heterosexual. Gotta love people’s assumptions." --Rob



"I had a patient tell me he was having rotary cups surgery." --Jean



"Patient: Miss, I think I might be pregnant Me: did you use protection? Patient: yes, twice. We used a condom the first time and then turned it inside out the second time." --Dayna


We know you have your own funny patient moments to add. Share in the comments section below.


  1. I took care of a young woman in the ER who told me “I have a condominium stuck in my Virginia “! I’d sure love a condo in Virginia! Sure enough, we removed a condom from her vagina!

  2. I was working NOC shift in a skilled nursing facility. It was 02:00 AM and the place was silent for a change. All of a sudden I hear this loud “Yahoo! The pecker checkers are here to check my pecker!” one of the elderly guys was just happy to see the CNA’s as they were making brief change rounds.

  3. Pre-oping Pt scheduled for 6:30AM orthopedic surgery. Anesthesia asks ” Did you eat breakfast?” Pt replies “No!”,then I asked “When is the last time you had something to eat or drink ?” Pt replied “3:30 this morning” Anesthesia gets angry. I ask “What did you have?” Pt replied “I had 3/4 of a pizza” We were both shocked. I asked”Why?” Pt responded” I was nervous & I always eat pizza when I am nervous. It helps calm me down.” Pt had RX for Xanax for anxiety, so I asked why did not take med. Pt replied”Drugs are not good for you.I only tell the Dr that I do take them to make him feel better. I just have pizza whenever I get nervous. It makes me feel better”. Was NOT happy surgery had to be delayed for 8 hours.
    Pt’s Drs made aware of false compliance with med use & reasons.

  4. One afternoon myself and another RN we’re attempting to slide a new admission from the ER to his bed .
    We all agreed to slide “ on 3”
    He barely budged from the stretcher..
    We looked at each other, instructed the patient again … we’re going to slide on the count of 3
    This time with all our might we were able to slide MOST of the patient to the bed … except his left leg ,.
    We pulled back the sheet and found that the patient had a PLASTER cast from thigh to ankle ( he was admitted for GI bleed)
    Once we finally settled him and the casted leg in the bed , I asked
    “What happened to your leg ? That’s a big cast ?”
    He responded “ I fell at Walmart “.
    I asked “was the floor wet?”
    He replied “. NO “… I have neuropathy.. as I read his history and reviewed his medical history with him , he denied diabetes, nerve damage etc ..
    So again I asked “ Who told you that you had Neuropathy? “

    Wait for it

    He replied

    “My Lawyer “

  5. Some I’ve heard over the years included: “I’ve got the smilin mighty Jesus?” for spinal meningitis. I’ve heard the fire balls of the Eucharist one for fibroids. Here’s a good one, Nurse, I can’t pee cause I’ve got a big ol’ prostrate. (prostate) How about; Nurse, I am, are, was, were, or have been “Vomickin!” no “g,” no translation needed. Here’s just a couple more; Nurse, I need one of those “Lauratabs” for pain, or I’ve got the “cluster pains” for cluster headache. Finally, and my personal all time favorite, “I’m allergic to all pain meds except for that IV dilauda!”

  6. One evening, I admitted an older lady. She was alert and oriented when she went to sleep. In the middle of the night, she woke up talking about going to the kitchen to make breakfast. I said “do you remember where I told you are?”
    She replied, “Yes! I’m in the hospital! Do you want me to act like it?” Duh!
    Two days later, she was NPO for surgery. When the surgeon came in that morning, she told him all about the wonderful breakfast of pancakes, etc that she just ate!
    He came out to the desk furious wanting to know who let this woman eat! Mind you, this is 7:00 in the morning. The breakfast carts hadn’t even been around yet. It took some fancy talking on my part to convince him that she had indeed been NPO all night!

  7. Passing meds on a psych ward, I asked a patient if he was ready for his meds, he said yes. When I brought him his meds(p.o. Valium), he refused. He said I, “I said I was ready, I didn’t say I’ll take them”.

  8. While working in a Pediatric ICU I was emptying a young boy’s foley bag at the end of my shift. When the patient realized what I was doing, he wailed, “Noooooo! I’ve been trying to get to 1000 all day! Now I have to start over.” I wanted to burst out laughing but he was so sincere in his disappointment that I stifled my giggles and laughed out loud later on, during report.

  9. As a new grad working night shift I introduced myself to an elderly male patient and told him, “I’ll be with you all night.” He said, “Honey I don’t think my heart could take it.” His wife smacked him on the shoulder.

  10. I work in a suburban ER. Some of my favorites.

    “Oh, marijuana isn’t drugs! And, besides, I read on the Internet that it’s good for pregnant woman!” (Have heard this more times than I can count.)

    “Ma’am! The doctor said my arm is broken. So, why is it still hurting?”

    “Listen here, you fat, loose p*ssy, b*tch! Take these handcuffs off so I can kill you!” (Patient who had taken a LOT of meth and tried to kill herself. Her family called 911 and the police brought her to the hospital. We’d had to keep her in handcuffs while the sedatives worked to calm her down because she kept trying to choke, punch, bite, scratch, spit on, and kick everyone. The next morning, she denied any memory of any memory of the whole night.)

  11. I asked a mom one time what is the birthdate of her son and she said, “I can’t remember. My labor was too long.” The son was 16 years old.

  12. Assessing a young woman with complaint of abdominal pain in ED triage. “ I get this pain all the time because I have fireballs of the Eucharist” (uterine fibroids)

  13. Recently , doing an admission assessment on a 93 yr old.gentleman when his phone rang ,when asked if he wanted to answere it he replied, ” it’s Beyonce. I ‘ll call her back”.


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