MORE Over-The-Top Things Your Patients Have Said

We all know that patients can say some pretty over-the-top things. No doubt you have probably heard your own great lines. And boy, our readers don't disappoint! Check out a few of our favorite funny patient comments below and don't forget to add your own to the list!


"I do case management for Seniors in my County. Some of the funniest I’ve heard include: “I get monogram headaches!”



“I use that nighttime machine for my sleep acne.” “I’ve got very coarse veins” “I’m up a lot at night to use the bathroom, so I guess I should get my prostitute checked.” And my favorite: “My back always feels better after I take one of those oxycondoms!” --Barb



"I had a man that told me he took Viagra for his flat tire while in ICU. I was shocked." --Kathy



"My patient asked me for pain medication. “Don’t give me Dilaudid pills, I’m allergic. Give me Dilaudid IV, I’m not allergic to this….Seriously!?" -- Mayra



"I take peanut-butter-balls for my skeizures (read: I take phenobarbital for my seizures)."--Bryan



"A patient came in and said she had a "leaf in her Virginia.” She did!!! She had used a potato as a pessary." --Beth



"Entering the room as Wound consultant to assess and plan for wound care, the patient waves me away and says, “The plants need water. They’re over there." --Irene



"A very pleasant elderly female patient once said to me: "I like you. My son is gay too.” I’m a male nurse, but heterosexual. Gotta love people’s assumptions." --Rob



"I had a patient tell me he was having rotary cups surgery." --Jean



"Patient: Miss, I think I might be pregnant Me: did you use protection? Patient: yes, twice. We used a condom the first time and then turned it inside out the second time." --Dayna


We know you have your own funny patient moments to add. Share in the comments section below.


  1. While working in a Pediatric ICU I was emptying a young boy’s foley bag at the end of my shift. When the patient realized what I was doing, he wailed, “Noooooo! I’ve been trying to get to 1000 all day! Now I have to start over.” I wanted to burst out laughing but he was so sincere in his disappointment that I stifled my giggles and laughed out loud later on, during report.

  2. As a new grad working night shift I introduced myself to an elderly male patient and told him, “I’ll be with you all night.” He said, “Honey I don’t think my heart could take it.” His wife smacked him on the shoulder.

  3. I work in a suburban ER. Some of my favorites.

    “Oh, marijuana isn’t drugs! And, besides, I read on the Internet that it’s good for pregnant woman!” (Have heard this more times than I can count.)

    “Ma’am! The doctor said my arm is broken. So, why is it still hurting?”

    “Listen here, you fat, loose p*ssy, b*tch! Take these handcuffs off so I can kill you!” (Patient who had taken a LOT of meth and tried to kill herself. Her family called 911 and the police brought her to the hospital. We’d had to keep her in handcuffs while the sedatives worked to calm her down because she kept trying to choke, punch, bite, scratch, spit on, and kick everyone. The next morning, she denied any memory of any memory of the whole night.)

  4. I asked a mom one time what is the birthdate of her son and she said, “I can’t remember. My labor was too long.” The son was 16 years old.

  5. Assessing a young woman with complaint of abdominal pain in ED triage. “ I get this pain all the time because I have fireballs of the Eucharist” (uterine fibroids)

  6. Recently , doing an admission assessment on a 93 yr old.gentleman when his phone rang ,when asked if he wanted to answere it he replied, ” it’s Beyonce. I ‘ll call her back”.


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