Top 10 Things Patients Have Said To Me

This article was republished with permission from SCRUBS Magazine.

With apologies to David Letterman…the top 10 things patients have said to me:

10. “How much would it cost for you to date my son? I’m worried he’ll never find a woman because of his health problems, but I figure you’re used to that sort of thing.”

9. “Don’t you think Dr. Smith is cute?” (Asked while Dr. Smith was performing a lumbar puncture. My response: “Where?”)

8. “Come here and give me a kiss, sweetie!”

7. “I’m allergic to Tylenol and acetaminophen, but I can take Lortab without a problem.”

6. “You should meet my nephew’s wife’s cousin. He’s a used car salesman, and he’s looking for a girlfriend.”

5. “I’m allergic to oxygen.”

4. “If I hold this crystal up to my head, it’ll keep me from having a reaction to that drug that I’m allergic to.”

3. “Dilaudid only works if I can smoke right before I get it.”

2. “You’re too smart to be a nurse.” (My response: “Okay, well, I’ll try to find a stupid person to take care of you.”)

And the number one thing a patient has ever said to me in the course of my day:

1. “I had a hysterectomy for a big tuna in my uterus. A big fibroid tuna.”

Your turn! Share the most over-the-top things your patients have said to you in the comments section below.

This article was republished with permission from SCRUBS Magazine.


  1. I do case management for Seniors in my County. Some of the funnies I’ve heard include: “I get monogram headaches!”
    “ I use that nighttime machine for my sleep acne.” “I’ve got very coarse veins” “ I’m up a lot at night to use the bathroom, so I guess I should get my prostitute checked.” And my favorite:
    “My back always feels better after I take one of those oxycondoms!”

  2. Had a patient the other day yell at me for 10 minutes because it took the cna 15 minutes to get him coffee… why did it take her 15 minutes? There was a code blue down the hallway.

  3. My patient asked me for pain medication. “Don’t give me Dilaudid pills, I’m allergic. Give me Dilaudid IV, I’m not allergic to this….Seriously!?

  4. How’s this: my grandma said the Depo shot will make me sterile. I asked what medical school did Grandma go to, little fourteen-year-old girl having sex unprotected? Reply: well she didn’t. Hmmm so do not go with Grandma on this one.

  5. Once I did something I don’t remember for a patient but he said something I’ll never forget. “You’re kinda smart for a Mexican.” I smiled and replied “Thank you.” With a sorcastic smile on my face.

  6. A patient came in and said she had a”leaf in her Virginia.” She did!!! She had used a potato as a pesary.

  7. Entering the room as Wound consultant to assess and plan for wound care, the patient waves me away and says “the plants need water. They’re over there.

  8. A very pleasant elderly female patient once said to me:”I like you. My son is gay too.” I’m a male nurse, but heterosexual. Gotta love people’s assumptions.

  9. Patient: Miss, I think I might be pregnant
    Me: did you use protection?
    Patient: yes, twice. We used a condom the first time and then turned it inside out the second time.

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