With apologies to David Letterman…the top 10 things patients have said to me:
10. “How much would it cost for you to date my son? I’m worried he’ll never find a woman because of his health problems, but I figure you’re used to that sort of thing.”
9. “Don’t you think Dr. Smith is cute?” (Asked while Dr. Smith was performing a lumbar puncture. My response: “Where?”)
8. “Come here and give me a kiss, sweetie!”
7. “I’m allergic to Tylenol and acetaminophen, but I can take Lortab without a problem.”
6. “You should meet my nephew’s wife’s cousin. He’s a used car salesman, and he’s looking for a girlfriend.”
5. “I’m allergic to oxygen.”
4. “If I hold this crystal up to my head, it’ll keep me from having a reaction to that drug that I’m allergic to.”
3. “Dilaudid only works if I can smoke right before I get it.”
2. “You’re too smart to be a nurse.” (My response: “Okay, well, I’ll try to find a stupid person to take care of you.”)
And the number one thing a patient has ever said to me in the course of my day:
1. “I had a hysterectomy for a big tuna in my uterus. A big fibroid tuna.”
Your turn! Share the most over-the-top things your patients have said to you in the comments section below.
An elderly patient told me she had, “some roaches of the liver.” (cirrhosis of the liver)
I do case management for Seniors in my County. Some of the funnies I’ve heard include: “I get monogram headaches!”
“ I use that nighttime machine for my sleep acne.” “I’ve got very coarse veins” “ I’m up a lot at night to use the bathroom, so I guess I should get my prostitute checked.” And my favorite:
“My back always feels better after I take one of those oxycondoms!”
I had a man that told me he took Viagra for his flat tire while in ICU , I was shocked.
Had a patient the other day yell at me for 10 minutes because it took the cna 15 minutes to get him coffee… why did it take her 15 minutes? There was a code blue down the hallway.
My patient asked me for pain medication. “Don’t give me Dilaudid pills, I’m allergic. Give me Dilaudid IV, I’m not allergic to this….Seriously!?
How’s this: my grandma said the Depo shot will make me sterile. I asked what medical school did Grandma go to, little fourteen-year-old girl having sex unprotected? Reply: well she didn’t. Hmmm so do not go with Grandma on this one.
Once I did something I don’t remember for a patient but he said something I’ll never forget. “You’re kinda smart for a Mexican.” I smiled and replied “Thank you.” With a sorcastic smile on my face.
I take peanut-butter-balls for my skeizures (read: I take phenobarbital for my seizures).
A patient came in and said she had a”leaf in her Virginia.” She did!!! She had used a potato as a pesary.
Entering the room as Wound consultant to assess and plan for wound care, the patient waves me away and says “the plants need water. They’re over there.
A very pleasant elderly female patient once said to me:”I like you. My son is gay too.” I’m a male nurse, but heterosexual. Gotta love people’s assumptions.
I had a patient tell me he was having rotary cups surgery
Patient: Miss, I think I might be pregnant
Me: did you use protection?
Patient: yes, twice. We used a condom the first time and then turned it inside out the second time.
Sounds like a “gubmint” economist….