Top 10 Funniest Explanations Your Patients Have Given You

This article was republished with permission from SCRUBS Magazine.

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Sometimes patients just do some wonderfully weird stuff. From the crazy things they try when they’re alone to the odd things they tell you, our patients have been known to make us laugh on more than one occasion! We got to wondering about the explanations they give you for why they’re hospitalized in the first place and what, exactly, they’re doing right now—so we asked our Facebook fans for the funniest excuses and explanations their patients have tried to give them. Which of these have your patients used on you before?

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1.

An elderly woman came in because she had “fireballs of the universe.” She was very insistent! It took us a few to realize she had fibroids of the uterus!

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—Kathy Berg
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2.

Working a 28-day MICA program, we had to check in all belongings, since it’s an addiction unit. Imagine our surprise when we found a bunch of Viagra that a female patient had on check-in! When asked, she responded, “I’ll be damned if my ol’ man is going to be out cheating while I’m in here!” LOL! Sounded quite logical to us. ?

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—Tonya Snodgrass Hendershot
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3.

I had a patient refuse to use her O2 for fear of “getting addicted.” I told her, “Hon, that happened the second you were born; hold your breath and see how long you can go without it. Now put it on please?” She did!

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—Roxy Dengler-Hauck
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4.

In the ER, a patient came in with a carrot inside his rectum. When asked to explain, he said, “I fell over in the garden.”

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—Jodie Priestley
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5.

Cardiologist to patient: “You need to quit smoking.”
Patient to cardiologist: “I will quit smoking 10 minutes after I am cremated.”
Too funny. I don’t think the doc liked it too much…

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—Jodi Cacioppo Stoafer
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6.

I got a call from our local 911 dispatch stating that they had my patient on the phone, requesting a ride home. When I went back to her room and asked her why she would call them, she said it was because that’s how she got to the hospital, and figured that’s how she’d get home, too. I was thinking to myself, “Reeeeeeaaaaaally?”

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—Christina Hope Combs
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7.

A patient who tested positive for cocaine said she was cleaning her bathroom and the cocaine must have been in the Comet…oh lordy.

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—Morgan Jarrard
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8.

I had a young male TBI patient saying that his sprinkler was sprinkling. I lifted up his sheet and noticed he was urinating…yep, his sprinkler was sprinkling all right.

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—Cherie Francis
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9.

In the NICU we had lots of transports from a smaller town in a neighboring state. I asked a young mother one time why we had so many babies from there. She said, “Well, we don’t have cable.”

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—Gayle Sherman
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10.

“Jesus told me to keep pressing the call button.”

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—Danielle Louque Arceneaux
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What’s the funniest explanation or excuse a patient has ever tried to give you?

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This article was republished with permission from SCRUBS Magazine.

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Roni Tomarelli

Taking my first job and relocating from a big city into a very small rural area of the western NC mountains, I spent a week working side by side with a doctor getting to know each other. The language and accents are very different, and pronunciation of words are their own. One of his patients came in and when I asked if her son (6) was allergic to anything she said “peents”, I took this to mean peanuts, and asked if she had an EPI pen for him, she asked why, I said because if he is allergic to peanuts… Read more »

Pat

I little boy came into the clinic complaining of an ear ache. On exam the MD asked for a forceps. He proceeded to pull out a key chain. Upon seeing it the little boy excitedly said”that’s wear I put it! I was hiding it from my brother “

Perry

A Spanish-speaking mother brought her daughter to the ER. When asked what the child’s chief complaint was the mother replied, in rather accented English, what sounded like: “My daughter……..she swallow penis in camp today”. A bit taken aback, I politely asked her to repeat the complaint. Once again the mother replied, in rather accented English, “My daughter swallow penis in camp today”. Biting the inside of my lower lip I politely asked her again, but this time asked her to describe the object. She replied, “I say my daughter swallow penis in camp. You know. Penis. Dos o tres centavos”.… Read more »

Tammy

I used to work in a Skilled Nursing Facility. On my first graveyard shift, I explained to a resident who had dementia and was a retired RN, that I was the LVN Charge Nurse. Her reply?
“You ain’t nothing but a glorified ass-wiper!”

Lora

I had an older dialysis patient who insisted she would never take those genetic drugs……..she only gets the name brands. I guess the name brand ones don’t alter your DNA??

M Rosen

I had a little boy who came into Triage in the ER with a rock in his nose. When. Asked him why he put the rock in his nose, he said I didn’t have any pockets to put it in!

Ebony LadyLPN

My first night at my new job at the nursing home in Key West, FL, I had an alzheimer’s resident under my care. This was my first time working with this population so I’m going off school knowledge. She also had severe arthritis where her joints have become disfigured. At med pass, she was very chatty, telling me about her life while growing up in Key West and being a “conch” which is the nickname of native Key Westians. Well, about 12 am she started screaming and crying. My CNA came to get me and she was sitting on the… Read more »

Brenda

Had a lady with shakiness and sweating. She wanted her ‘ peanut butter balls “. We thought she was diabetic but no…she needed Phenobarbital !

RICARDO ARGUELLES CONFIDENTIAL DRUG TESTING

A LADY CAME OUT POSITIVE FOR MARIJUANA HER EXPLANATION WAS: I WAS PULLING WEEDS IN THE BACK YARD.

Lora

I was working in the OR, had a little guy about 5 parked right under the room assignment board with who was having what, he was Removal of FOB from R ear. Not his first removal of FOB either!…he had had his pre op meds and was pretty silly, he looked over at me and kept saying Pssst hey lady, so I went over, he giggled and said do you know why I am here, I did but I played along…Why…he said I got a truck in my ear. I, surprised, said a truck!? Yes a little one. I said… Read more »