Patients Can Say The Darnedest Things

This article was republished with permission from SCRUBS Magazine.

As nurses, we get to work with and care for patients everyday. Some days we hear some VERY interesting things come out of their mouths! With some help from our fantastic Facebook community, we’ve compiled some anecdotes that are sure to have you giggling (and shaking your head) the entire way.

  • I had an elderly patient tell me that she was allergic to Lasix. When I asked what kind of reaction she suffered from the drug, she said that it made her pee all night. With a straight face, I had to explain to her that was the whole idea for the medication. – Paul J. S.
  • I had a patient who I found was on the floor, so I asked him what he was doing. He replied, “I need to call someone.” I asked who you gonna call he replied, “GHOSTBUSTERS” – what a night. – Malou G.
  • I had a patient decide he wanted to be palliative, he then asked me and the doctor if we could “unplug” him. I said, “you aren’t plugged into anything, there aren’t any machines keeping you alive.” lol – Julie B.
  • My confused patient told me “well at least you’re pretty, when the nurses are ugly it makes me feel worse.” – Annette R.
  • Pt’s mother frantically rushed into the hall while pushing the call bell and yelled “my daughter is having an allergic reaction! I need help!” We all rushed in to find that it was a tickle in her nose from the nasal cannula. Mother still insisted oxygen be added to the allergies list and the NC be removed. ?? – Jen Nifer S.
  • One of the least crazy things I’ve heard, but funny nonetheless was a patient coming in with a rash and asking us if applying breast milk to it would help because she saw it happen on the Kardashians. – Daniella P.
  • Confused pt. got his bed alarm off and wandered into a woman’s room across the hall. She comes out to the nurses station in a panic telling everyone there’s a man in her room. I run in and he’s sitting on the toilet in her room. I ask him what he’s doing and he looks at me like I’m crazy and asks “what do you usually do on the can?!” – Kenzi D.
  • While chatting to a pre-op patient (who was a nurse), she informed me that she was allergic to penicillin. I asked her if she had a previous reaction. She then said that she just presumed she was allergic because everyone else was… – June S. 
  • When the spouse of a patient asks if I’ll take his BP, too. Or when I take a pulse, pt asks what it is, then says “That’s not what my Fitbit says!” – Peggy B.
  • I walked into a patients room this morning and said, “Good Morning!” all chipper. And they say,”Oh yea? What’s so good about it?!” – Jessica L.
  • My patient said her reason for coming to L&D was because her ‘idiotic fluid’ was leaking. –Margo L.
  • When I asked an elderly lady if she drank everyday, she said, “no, I only drink at night.” –LeeAnne M>


Do you have any good (or ridiculous) patient stories?! Share them in the comments section below.


This article was republished with permission from SCRUBS Magazine.


  1. as we were just starting the anesthesia, the patient looked up,smiled, took my hand and said..” don’t worry, I have everything taken care of at Hathaways( the local funeral home). We took extra special care of her during surgery.😍

  2. I am on a Rapid Response team at a large hospital but I still often get asked, “So, what do you do to stay alert all night while everyone is sleeping?” Surprisingly sometimes from day shift RN’s. I usually reply, “Sit around eating, you should come to nights it’s so easy!”

  3. I have been spending some time on “the other side of the bed” with my 90 yr old father. The staff all enjoyed working with him and here are a few of his best quips. To the transporter on the way back from CT scan–“I’m going to have to find a hydrant pretty soon!” To the cardiologist who just spent much time explaining the newest pacemaker that they were putting in the next day–“how long have you been doing this?” “I want to make sure I’m walking out the front door–not kicked out the back!” Finally, to the hospitalist that finally rounded at 1345 and put in d/c orders–“you better tell everyone to put on a mask because all you’ll see is a cloud of dust when I leave!

  4. I was assisting a 90+ yr old male pt into the shower. He looked at me and said “why don’t you get in with me!” I had to laugh it off and

  5. As a new bright and bubbly grad, entered a pt room, raised the shade to a sunny, sunny day, gave good morning greetings to which the pt replied, “Go to hell and close the f…n shade”.

  6. Dementia patient says “Doctor I can’t stay in bed 24/24…that’s just too much”. Doctor replied, “how about 24/7?” Patient: “that’s an hour too long!!” ?

  7. As a student nurse, I had delivered breakfast trays to my patients and was now picking them up. As I walked into one gentleman’s room, I asked how much he had eaten…I proceeded in, he turns to the opposite side of me and said his eggs were on the floor….naive me….thought he dropped them…no, he vomited his eggs onto the floor!

  8. The worst ones are not so much the patients you care for professionally but the things said to you by family members, friends, or random people who find out you are a nurse. You can’t always walk away from them, and you need to keep a straight face. Any conversation, especially with a stranger, that starts out with …You are a nurse right? Can I show you something?……I shudder each time thinking I am about to see some part of a person I don’t know, in line at Wal-Mart, that should not be shown in public and is likely to make me cringe!


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